


Hold On

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Good Theo Raeken, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Theo Raeken, Love Confessions, M/M, Protective Liam Dunbar, Sad, Suicide Attempt, Theo Raeken Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 16:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14192601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: After everything that's happened Theo thinks there's only one way to pay for his sins. Liam tries to save him and show him that there is something to live for.





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> I was supposed to be on a writing break but then this happened.   
> Song used in this chapter: [I Won't See You Tonight Part 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAdQzCq53XE) by Avenged Sevenfold

It doesn’t take long for Theo to realize he came back different. First it’s that he _feels_ things. Then there’s the fact that he finds himself noticing things he wouldn’t have before. Like the way Liam pouts when Scott lectures him about bringing Theo back. Or the way something unfamiliar twirls in his gut when he sees Liam and Hayden together. Or how he gets a flutter in his gut whenever Liam smiles at him, _really_ smiles.

It makes his stomach twist uncomfortably. He doesn’t deserve to have Liam smile at him like that. Not after everything he did to Liam and his pack. That’s another thing Theo has noticed since he came back, the _guilt_. Sometimes it’s crippling. He’ll remember everything he’s done, all the people he’s hurt, and it’ll feel like he’s been punched in the stomach. He can’t remember what it’s like to wake up and not feel the waves of guilt and self-hatred that seem to follow him around lately.

He tries to make it better. He does what he can to help the pack, to help _Liam_. It lessens the guilt but it doesn’t make him feel any better. It doesn’t get better when Liam invites him to move in with him and his parents, offering Theo a home and a safe place to live. It doesn’t get better when the pack starts inviting him along to their usual outings and actually including him. It doesn’t get any better when months after returning he looks at Liam and realizes just what this thing he’s feeling for the beta is.

Theo sighs, looking up at the ceiling of his room. He’s at a loss as to what to do. He lost yet another job because someone recognized him and pointed out what he was, what he’d done. Apparently word started getting around about a murderous chimera roaming around Beacon Hills. So while most of the town has gone back to normal and just accepted the supernatural creatures living in the town others have taken to finding ones to target. Unfortunately for Theo he’s usually that person.

He’s just so tired. Tired of trying to be a good guy and get his life together and falling short every time. He just wants a normal life now but that doesn’t seem possible.

_Of course it’s not,_ he thinks, _after everything you’ve done did you really think you deserved to have a normal life with Liam?_

The last part has breath catching in his throat. He rarely lets his mind drift to Liam like that. He knows better. Liam is good and pure and Theo is damaged and tainted. Liam deserves better than that. Not that Liam would ever be interested in him.

Theo knows what he is. He knows what he’s done. He knows what he deserves and what he doesn’t. Sometimes he wonders if he would have been better off if Liam never thrust that sword into the ground and brought him back. Hell was a nightmare, one he wanted so bad to escape. One that still haunts him. But this… this is something different.

He feels this ache in his chest, this overwhelming sadness like he’s never experienced and wonders if this is the price he has to pay for being back. If this loneliness and pain are just something he’s doomed to deal with for the rest of his life as penance for the things he’s done. Part of him knows that he’s paid the price already in Hell but another part wonders if he’ll ever be done paying for his sins.  

Nights like these it all feels like too much. He lays in his bed and cries and fights the urge to scream. He doesn’t. He can’t. Liam might not be home but Jenna and David are and the last thing he wants to do is draw attention to himself. So he turns his music on, letting the sounds of “I Won’t See You Tonight Part 1” by Avenged Sevenfold fill the cold and empty room. Everything around him always feels cold lately. Everything except Liam. But he doesn’t deserve that warmth so he keeps his distance. Just enough that he can be away from Liam but Liam doesn’t ask questions. It hurts but it’s necessary. Theo is drowning. He’s not about to bring Liam down with him.

He sits up suddenly, eyes moving to look out the window. His heart starts racing and his breathing becomes labored as he’s suddenly hit with what he has to do. He doesn’t let himself think as he grabs some paper and a pen and writes a letter for Liam. He might be doing this but he’s not about to leave without letting Liam know and understand why. He leaves the music playing with the letter on his bed and slips out the window. He feels a little guilty leaving without saying goodbye to Jenna and David but he knows he’d never be able to leave if he saw their faces.

Theo gets in his truck and drives out to the preserve. He parks his car and stares at the trees, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. With a nod he gets out of the truck, leaving the keys in the car and the truck unlocked. He won’t be needing them anymore. Theo walks the well-worn path the bridge. His hands trail lightly across the railing as he walks up onto it and stares down into the dark water.

Tears well up in his eyes and he doesn’t even try and fight them. He might know what he’s doing but that doesn’t mean he isn’t scared. He knows what’s waiting for him. Theo takes off his hoodie and throws it down onto the bridge along with his wallet after he grabs a picture out of it. It’s one of him and Liam on the Ferris wheel a few weeks ago. Liam is pressed close to his side, his head on Theo’s shoulder as they both grin at the camera. That had been one of Theo’s favorite moments.

_Liam will hate you for this_ , he thinks, hand curling tightly around the photograph, _he’ll never forgive you_.

_But it’ll be better than him loving me,_ another part of his mind argues, _he’ll be better off without me here. They all will._

Theo throws himself onto the other side of the railing, hands gripping the wood tightly as he looks into the murky depths. It’s oddly poetic that this is how he’s going to die. He takes one final look at the picture in his hand and then steps off the ledge, letting the darkness pull him under deeper and deeper and deeper. His lungs scream for air but he doesn’t give in. He can’t. The last thing he sees is Liam’s face dancing behind his eyelids.

 

***

 

“Hey Mom! Hey Dad!” Liam calls as he enters the house. His parents are curled up on the couch watching TV. Theo is nowhere to be seen. In fact, Liam can’t hear him anywhere in the house. The only thing he hears is the faint sound of music in Theo’s room. The song choice making his chest ache. “Is Theo not here? I can’t hear him and didn’t see his truck outside.”

“I haven’t seen him,” Jenna says then frowns, “but I thought I heard his truck leave the driveway. He didn’t come by here though. Apparently he’s still not above sneaking out of his window.”

Liam sighs. Of course he’s not. He says goodnight to his parents and then heads upstairs. He’s about to head into his room when he notices the song playing in Theo’s room had started over. Which is weird. Theo doesn’t often listen to songs on repeat, or leave his music playing when he leaves the room.

Liam wouldn’t normally enter Theo’s room without his permission, especially not without him here but he’s worried suddenly. He can’t place why but he just has the feeling that something is wrong. He opens the door slowly and steps in. Everything looks as it usually does. Except for the folded up piece of paper on Theo’s bed. Liam walks closer and picks it up with a shaking hand. It only gets worse when he sees his name written on it. The writing is a little sloppy, as if the hand that wrote it had been shaking as well. Liam takes a deep breath and then unfolds the letter to read it.

 

_Liam,_

_I’d like to start off by apologizing for all the things I’ve done. I know now that I was wrong. I never should have behaved the way I did. I realize now that my thirst for power was empty and foolish. It might be too late but I need you to know that I regret it. I regret all of it. I especially regret using you the way that I did._

_I’d like to thank you for giving me a chance to prove myself. When you brought me back something changed inside me. I didn’t know or understand what it was at first, but now I realize I was suddenly able to understand what it’s like to feel things. That’s because of you. You made me want to be a better person Liam. I hope I’ve achieved that, at least a little bit._

_More than anything I’m grateful to you for showing me that I’m capable of loving someone. I might not deserve to or be worthy of loving you but I do. God Liam I do. I understand that you can never love me back. All I want is for you to be happy. Please be happy. Please._

_No matter what you hear or what you find just know that this is all on me. This is what I deserve. Please don’t try and find me. I need you to let me go._

_I’ll love you forever Liam. No matter where I end up._

_Yours, Theo_

 

Liam is frantic after he reads the letter. Tears are streaming down his face as he grabs his phone out of his pocket. He dials Theo’s number, cursing when it goes straight to voicemail. He doesn’t know why he’s surprised. If Theo is really planning to…

Liam takes shuddering breath, closing his eyes against the sting of tears. He can’t think about that. If he does he won’t be able to focus, and he needs to think. He needs to figure out where Theo would go.

There’s always the tunnels, he spent a lot of time there. But Liam couldn’t see Theo going there to die. Fuck. It has to be someplace important. As soon as he thinks this Liam realizes he knows exactly where Theo is. He grabs his keys and runs out of the house, throwing himself into his car and all but peeling out of the driveway. He’s sure he’ll get a lecture from his Mom later but he can’t worry about that. Not when Theo needs him.

On the way there he calls Deaton, needing the vet to be ready in case Liam needs him. He really hopes he doesn’t. Liam parks and throws himself out of the truck, running desperately towards Theo. He’s here. Liam can smell him. He tries picking up the sound of his heartbeat but it’s faint, as is his scent the closer he gets. It shouldn’t be like that. It should be stronger here.

Liam stumbles onto the bridge, tears blinding him as he frantically searches for Theo. He feels his breath leave him when he looks below and sees something floating in the water, a picture. It’s wet and already starting to stain but Liam can tell it’s one of him and Theo. Liam doesn’t think before throwing himself over the bridge and into the water. All he knows is that Theo has to be down there and he needs to find him. Liam searches and searches, becoming more desperate the longer he goes without finding him.

“Theo! Theo! Where are you? Theo please! Theo!”

Liam’s about to dive back under when he looks to his left and sees a body face down in the grass, barely out of the water. Liam half swims, half stumbles his way over. He flips the body over and another sob escapes him when he realizes it really is Theo. He brings a shaky hand up to Theo’s neck and feels for his pulse. There’s nothing there. He moves, bringing his hands down to Theo’s chest as he starts compressions just how his Dad taught him. He’s scared out of his mind. He has no idea how long Theo has been out here or if this is even going to work but he has to try. He has to do whatever he can to save Theo. He stops a moment, listening as well as feeling for Theo’s heartbeat. Still nothing.

“Fuck Theo. Come on. Please,” Liam pleads, resuming compressions on Theo’s chest. “Please. I need you here. I love you, you asshole. You can’t leave me like this.”

He stops, checking Theo’s pulse again. Nothing. Liam lets out a sob, collapsing onto Theo’s chest and crying into his neck. This isn’t happening. This isn’t… he’s not losing Theo like this. The roar Liam gives sounds broken and desperate. He pulls back, roaring again as he brings his fist down hard onto Theo’s chest and then he does again and again and again.

He’s about to bring his first down again when a hand reaches up, stopping his movements as Theo sucks in a deep breath. His eyes fly open, glowing yellow as he stares up at Liam. Liam can only gape down at him. He’s about to break out of Theo’s grasp and launch himself at the chimera, but then Theo starts coughing. Liam helps him turn to the side as he coughs up the water he swallowed.

When he’s done, Theo rolls back over. He’s breathing heavy but his eyes have returned to normal. Liam pulls him up and into a hug, which Theo returns with only a few seconds hesitation.

“How did you get out here?” Liam asks.

“I…” Theo takes a shuddering breath, clinging to the shirt on Liam’s back. “I didn’t intend to. When I jumped into the water I was ready to die. But then I saw you. I saw your face Liam. And I couldn’t. I started fighting. I thought it might be too late.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Liam mumbles into the skin of his neck, tears still falling down his face. “I’m so fucking mad at you right now. I can’t believe you would do something like this. What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” Theo sighs, nuzzling into Liam’s neck. “I’ve just… I haven’t been well Liam. Not really. It’s been pretty dark inside my head. Not murderous dark, just… depressing. I can’t stop thinking that I don’t deserve any of this.”

“Any of what?” Liam asks, running a hand down his back.

“The kindness everyone has shown me, these second chances, a home, _you_.”

“Why don’t you let me decide that?” Liam asks, pulling back to look at him. He can’t stop himself from kissing him, fast and hard and full of such desperation and longing. “I know there’s a lot we need to work on but I love you, okay? I don’t care if you think you don’t deserve it. You _do_. You deserve to love and be loved Theo. And I love you. I’m going to do what I can to help you.”

“What if it’s not enough?” Theo asks, looking a little guilty for having to ask that.

Liam gets it though. He’s not an idiot. He knows that loving Theo isn’t immediately going to make things better. It’s going to be a long road. But he’s going to do what he can to help. “It might not be. But there are other things we can try. I know Derek talked to some sort of supernatural therapist. We could try that.”

Theo lets out a breath, nodding his head. “Yeah okay. We can try that.”

“Good,” Liam says, placing a kiss to Theo’s cheek. “Just know that whatever happens you’re not alone.”

“I know,” Theo says, wrapping his arms tighter around Liam. “I know that. I love you so much Liam. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

“I know. I know you are. But you don’t have to apologize. Not anymore,” Liam tells him. “I forgave you a long time ago. Everyone did. Now you just have to forgive yourself.”

It won’t be easy. They both know that. There are bound to be a few stumbles and falls. But Liam knows he’s going to be there to pick Theo up and help him. He’s going to love him and show him that he has so many things to live for, however long it takes.


End file.
